If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.