god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Lmao
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.