boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.