Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I cannot stop laughing at this