(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
You Might Also Like
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
A small tragedy.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
accurate
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.