Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.