(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.