wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes