[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]