Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
work smarter, not harder
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.