[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”