Interior design 👌
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I got bills
They’re multiplying
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.