Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
guys I’m going home
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.