Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.