Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
and this one
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.