Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems