To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You Might Also Like
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
are there any atheist mantises?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Baking is just science you can eat.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.