Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”