ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
5 ways to appear taller
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.