You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.