just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
opening twitter today
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
how it started vs how it ended
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”