Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
those birds must be on payroll
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.