Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.