I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time