I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward