Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*