6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
lmao
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way