Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
You Might Also Like
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”