Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic