I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I think this should do it.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Noted.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.