My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
You Might Also Like
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
the #horror is real!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I would move hell over six inches for you
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.