“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“HELP WITH CAT”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.