I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
You Might Also Like
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Had a spot of bother earlier.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.