Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Tier 3 meme
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.