My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I feel seen.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager