Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.