We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
HELP 😭
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.