FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.