It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
#JohnTravolta
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲