(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
How to tell you鈥檝e had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Love the deli paper on the doctor鈥檚 table. Mmm I鈥檓 a sick little sandwich
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
if it鈥檚 fantasy football i see no reason why i can鈥檛 start a dragon at first base
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it鈥檚 explosive but it hasn鈥檛 blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I鈥檝e put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I鈥檝e no idea if it鈥檚 getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.