Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
You Might Also Like
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
and now we wait
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Battery falling down a hole
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother