I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
True freaking story!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me buying fruit and veg
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
A leaf blower, but for people.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.