My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.