Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything