ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.