Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.