When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?