Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.