My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Mornin. * use accordingly
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
beware of dog
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
my dog when i have a friend over
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15