If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this